Recently things have been very difficult. In fact there has been one aspect of my life that has been causing quite the turmoil in my daily routine. So much, that I hit a bottom point recently and found myself sitting outside the temple, crying.
I think we live in a world where we believe that The Lord will tell us what we need to do and when we need to do it. That would be nice. Other times, I think we start to believe that He does speak to us and we are missing it or disagreeing with Him. That may be true, and sometimes it's really hard. For me I had an experience recently which has shaken my faith and yet has given me one of the most beautiful and calming reassurances that I have had in mortality.
I have been faced with a situation where I have needed to make a decision. Cut a piece of my life out that has been a solid foundation for me. It's not a sin, but it does cause my life to be out of balance. With this being said, it's been so hard to make a decision when all i've wanted was to stick with what I have. But, it felt wrong. I also found that when I did the opposite of what I wanted at times, my heart shattered.
Praying, Fasting, going to church, talking to my family, my bishop and friends, I got a lot of good input, a lot of good council. A lot of it, in my favor and what I wanted, but nothing that was long lasting. I kept telling myself it was fine, that these feelings and worries weren't from God, but how can I really know?
And then today happened. Everything was a big mess, I was confused, lost and angry. Hurt by the things that had played, and yet wanting so badly to do what God wants of me. Then I started to talk about the different things happening and I realized from a small thought I had had, "The Lord wants me to cut this out of my life, because He knows I can't create independence without cutting it out."
I had thought this often. It drove me and made me feel worse often times, even more convinced this was from God. Then tonight, I had this prior thought, followed by- Alyssa, Since when does your Heavenly Father tell you, you CAN'T? Since when does He tell you that you are incapable of overcoming a task and creating balance in your life? Since when is God all or nothing?
My heart lifted. Of course. My answer was here all along, not perfectly, that one flaw in my thinking. It took me back to everything I have learned growing up, everything I have believed and all of a sudden I remembered. All things are possible through The Lord, my God.
The peace I felt and the mercy I had realized, that had just been extended to me, made my heart have such joy and happiness. When I realized, that THROUGH The Lord I could keep the things that make me happy and yet overcome the flaws that fit in the situation.
While I still don't know all the answers or the desires of the Lord. I am filled with joy and my heart soars as I have now learned in my heart and remembered that through The Lord, and through my Savior. ALL things are possible.
Alyssa
