This week, I had a visit from someone I am all to familiar with- I have not been with them much the past 2 years or so, but every now and again they show up,and move into my life.
I realized they had come near 2 months ago, and gradually started moving back into my life and it wasn't until this week I realized that they had fully moved in. . . Yup. . . Moved in and is sitting on my bed, in my apartment, in my car, in my head and in my heart.
I don't know why Depression happens to show up when it does, a burn out from working too much? Maybe i'm not being faithful enough and praying enough? Not serving enough, not getting out enough, not being obedient enough, maybe it's here because of my OCD, my car stresses, money stresses, guilt, etc. Whatever the reason, I have found that it's here again, and it's been absolutely exhausting.
I have found myself doing the only things i can seem to squeeze energy out of myself to do- Work, Read scriptures (Most nights), Pray and eat, sleep and do laundry. Which is probably fine, because that's about all I have time to do. But I have found that my heart aches as I have lost the desire to fulfill my calling at church, I have lost my energy to get up- Even though I attend church, it's almost as if I'm not there. I am not fully alive at work and I certainly don't want to "just text" or go see people. With the exception of my lovely roommates, I am not out much, and I have lost all of my energy to try to go out and date or hang out or even text. Simple tasks are becoming unbearably hard and quite frankly, I have been a huge negative nancy- which doesn't make me feel to proud of myself.
To compensate for the struggle, I try to laugh, I try to smile, I talk with my sister and my roommates, I pray- trying so hard to give my struggles to the Savior and to let my heart be calm, to pray for more faith and to be more faithful, and then I read my scriptures. Yesterday I listened to 3 talks during work, and then hymns and I prayed repeatedly asking for some solace.
And do you know what happened? I found some good things, I felt some positive things, I heard inspired things, nonetheless I still feel depressed. And I found myself thinking something along the lines of this at work tonight- "It is my fault I am depressed. I am not serving enough, I don't have enough faith, I am making all of these mistakes and I don't want or believe that God can help me enough and because I just want worldly comfort, God can't help me, even though I pray to want it, He certainly can't, this won't go away until I am Positive, Faithful and Soley reliant on my Savior and my Heavenly Father."
Ouch. I got home from work tonight and thought this- I guess I am waiting to be perfect. Because I am certainly trying to be closer to God, I am trying to get more out of scriptures and prayer, I am trying to work hard and serve others, I am trying. But why don't I feel better? Why am I still aching?
This was my answer. You know what? Sometimes, Bad things happen to perfectly good people who are trying. People who have done nothing wrong, even people who do things wrong, and people who pray and fast and want help and solace and for some reason they don't get it- and then they blame themselves, give up and eventually leave the church, give up on God and The Savior. Decide that they aren't worth it and they quit.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is absolutely amazing. The Savior will and can succor us in all things, but I also believe that God doesn't take the pain away just because we pray. And He doesn't make us close to Him and solely reliant on Him just because we ask Him too. We have doctors, medicine, prophets, apostles, conferences, loved ones and assistance options for a reason. And taking it away, well, that would make the point of finding, building and having faith pointless.
I am depressed. I will not say I am not. I don't know why it is so. It is something that will test my strength and bring me closer to God though. I know this, I pray and try to trust that my efforts are not unseen, and nor are anyone else'. The Lord sees our efforts. He knows we try. But sometimes we must remember- that Bad things happen, to perfectly good and faithful people. In the church and not in the church.
I am finding this is one of the harder parts of mortality, but I do know and have faith that enduring through these hard times will absolutely be worth it. That, I have testimony of.
I hope for anyone struggling they can find solace, and if they cannot, I pray that you will have the strength to keep going until your trial comes to an end. And I believe that it absolutely will. I do not know when, but we have been promised that if we hang in there, it absolutely will.
Alyssa
