I wasn't cut that way....

I was never meant to be cut that shape.

Everybody plans, I mean everybody has an idea in their head of what they want to happen and how they want it to happen and possibly even when and where. I was one of those people, ever since I was a little girl, I had general plans, I was going to grow up, go on a mission, marry a man, live happily ever ever etc, etc, etc.

Believe it or not, this is the common cookie cutter form in the church. This is my opinion. And you know what? That’s okay, up until the point it occurred to me that lots of lives don’t go that  way.

Most people don’t know that I planned to grow up, go on a mission, become an attorney or a cop or do whatever it was I loved with a passion. The law , which doesn’t stem far because my mom loves to teach about such things, and then the church, I have always had a testimony of the gospel. And I want to say I always will, that’s  always been my plan.

But  what happens when that doesn’t  happen? I don’t  know. I can honestly tell you, I really don’t know what happens. You keep walking? You keep moving? I’m almost 25, still young, and I look back on what my plans were for my life and what actually happened. Some people still don’t  understand, family, friends, people  who know me, people  who have known me from church and other activities in my life.

Those things didn’t happen. They didn’t happen the way I wanted or planned, because for some reason, I was cut from a clothe that involves mental illness.

And today, I sit here and wish and pray more than anything that didn’t happen. That I could have been so many different things than what I became. I wanted to be a lawyer or a cop, but when I was going through college, I found out you need to be more mentally tough, and I can’t have a weapon because my judgement is far and few between sometimes.

Back when I was a child, I had very little friendships and my social skills didn’t develop correctly. When I moved when I was 13, that changed, but instead of normal friendships, I clinged really hard onto people  who gave me attention. And to this day, I still am clinging onto a wonderful friend who has more patience than most people I have met combined.

When I came home from Snow College in 2013, I had my bishop ask me if I had thought about a mission, which I so clung to when I was young. And I told him, that I would rather stay here than go and come home early. Partially because of my own personal stability and partially because I struggle to be out of consistent contact with my friend.

Can I just say, when you tell someone you can’t do something you wanted to do because of a disability that others don’t recognize as a disability, it’s not only full of shame, pain and anxiety, it comes with a sense of disappointment, like you just weren’t enough to make the cut.

I often feel this way. I am married, and I love David with every little piece of me being, and yet I write this, and feel such a block in connection because of things people have said about marriage and  personal life, that It hurts to breathe. Because my brain latches onto ideas that it almost feels like I am not allowed to make my own choices.

To make it even more out of place of a cookie cutter idea, I have been in therapy for almost 8 years, and my mental health and my mind hasn’t healed the way I thought it would. The worst thing that I have ever been told, is pray, read your scriptures everyday, go to the temple, and trust in the Lord, and I promise everything will be okay.

I am not saying I am against these principles or even that I don’t believe those things, that is not true. But what is true for me, is that because of the active movement in my brain, feeling and hearing the words of the spirit are far and few between and very difficult- especially when I cannot trust my feelings. They lie to me in such an intense matter that I have near ended my life and left church and lost friends and hurt jobs because of everything happening.

I don’t know what to say about the cookie cutter mold. I’m not entirely certain of everything I believe, but I carry on with faith. Knowing that my difference is part of who I am. And while I don’t feel as wonderful as I wish and pray I did, I know that we move forward. We move on, we march on and hope, that there is a brighter and better day ahead.

That’s where faith is. That’s what shapes it, and that’s how I live my life. Just moving, one step at a time.

Here. . .

Here is the most blunt truth that i can give to people in regards to what i'm doing, people ask, people want to know, people want to catch up and find out. Well Here.
No. I'm not dating anyone. I am working the same job that i Have been working for 3 years. I am working the same hours, everyday that i have worked the past 3 years. I live in the same place I have lived the past 2 years, and no I am not having a deep spiritual transformation.

Any you know what, that's fine. I know that I can't see my infinite potential. I know I can't see anyone else's the way our Father in Heaven can. But do you know what? Sitting next too all of my imperfections, my stubbornness and my inability to do what i want sometimes when I want. I am sitting on the exact same level as everyone else.

I am not easy to talk too sometimes, I am not easy to live with. I am not easy to visit and I'm not easy to be around all the time. So what? So what if I am not as easy to be around as everyone else. So what? I am really so tired of the comparison. Truly, here is something to think about. Recently, Sister Wendy Nelson spoke at a devotional. She asked this question-

"If you found out that the Savior was already on the earth, what would you desperately want to do today, and what would you be willing and ready to do tomorrow?"

When I first heard this, I felt guilty and scared. I felt like I wouldn't do the things i should and I feel like I have a bunch of things that would pretty much keep me from the blessings of Heaven. Well. Maybe it's true. Maybe that's what it is. But guess what? I thought to myself today after hearing this question again.

If today was the day for myself. I would probably find my Savior and bawl. Because that's how terrible I feel. I would bawl because of all my imperfections and because I can't see what I am supposed to be. And i don't think I am alone here.

Right now I'm not reaching my potential. So what? Neither is anyone else. This is why we are here, to learn and grow and get better. It's hard, but i'm tired of feeling like I'm worth less because i'm different and imperfect. But here is the truth, like everyone else. I'm doing the best I can which i know how.

If you don't like it. That's fine. Don't. But don't come and show me how much you don't appreciate it. If I don't ask, I don't care. And like everyone else, I doubt you do either.

Have a good night.

Fighting the fight. . .

This week, I had a visit from someone I am all to familiar with- I have not been with them much the past 2 years or so, but every now and again they show up,and move into my life.

I realized they had come near 2 months ago, and gradually started moving back into my life and it wasn't until this week I realized that they had fully moved in. . . Yup. . . Moved in and is sitting on my bed, in my apartment, in my car, in my head and in my heart.

I don't know why Depression happens to show up when it does, a burn out from working too much? Maybe i'm not being faithful enough and praying enough? Not serving enough, not getting out enough, not being obedient enough, maybe it's here because of my OCD, my car stresses, money stresses, guilt, etc. Whatever the reason, I have found that it's here again, and it's been absolutely exhausting.

I have found myself doing the only things i can seem to squeeze energy out of myself to do- Work, Read scriptures (Most nights), Pray and eat, sleep and do laundry. Which is probably fine, because that's about all I have time to do. But I have found that my heart aches as I have lost the desire to fulfill my calling at church, I have lost my energy to get up- Even though I attend church, it's almost as if I'm not there. I am not fully alive at work and I certainly don't want to "just text" or go see people. With the exception of my lovely roommates, I am not out much, and I have lost all of my energy to try to go out and date or hang out or even text. Simple tasks are becoming unbearably hard and quite frankly, I have been a huge negative nancy- which doesn't make me feel to proud of myself.

To compensate for the struggle, I try to laugh, I try to smile, I talk with my sister and my roommates, I pray- trying so hard to give my struggles to the Savior and to let my heart be calm, to pray for more faith and to be more faithful, and then I read my scriptures. Yesterday I listened to 3 talks during work, and then hymns and I prayed repeatedly asking for some solace.

And do you know what happened? I found some good things, I felt some positive things, I heard inspired things, nonetheless I still feel depressed. And I found myself thinking something along the lines of this at work tonight- "It is my fault I am depressed. I am not serving enough, I don't have enough faith, I am making all of these mistakes and I don't want or believe that God can help me enough and because I just want worldly comfort, God can't help me, even though I pray to want it, He certainly can't, this won't go away until I am Positive, Faithful and Soley reliant on my Savior and my Heavenly Father."

Ouch. I got home from work tonight and thought this- I guess I am waiting to be perfect. Because I am certainly trying to be closer to God, I am trying to get more out of scriptures and prayer, I am trying to work hard and serve others, I am trying. But why don't I feel better? Why am I still aching?

This was my answer. You know what? Sometimes, Bad things happen to perfectly good people who are trying. People who have done nothing wrong, even people who do things wrong, and people who pray and fast and want help and solace and for some reason they don't get it- and then they blame themselves, give up and eventually leave the church, give up on God and The Savior. Decide that they aren't worth it and they quit.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is absolutely amazing. The Savior will and can succor us in all things, but I also believe that God doesn't take the pain away just because we pray. And He doesn't make us close to Him and solely reliant on Him just because we ask Him too. We have doctors, medicine, prophets, apostles, conferences, loved ones and assistance options for a reason. And taking it away, well,  that would make the point of finding, building and having faith pointless.

I am depressed. I will not say I am not. I don't know why it is so. It is something that will test my strength and bring me closer to God though. I know this, I pray and try to trust that my efforts are not unseen, and nor are anyone else'. The Lord sees our efforts. He knows we try. But sometimes we must remember- that Bad things happen, to perfectly good and faithful people. In the church and not in the church.

I am finding this is one of the harder parts of mortality, but I do know and have faith that enduring through these hard times will absolutely be worth it. That, I have testimony of.

I hope for anyone struggling they can find solace, and if they cannot, I pray that you will have the strength to keep going until your trial comes to an end. And I believe that it absolutely will. I do not know when, but we have been promised that if we hang in there, it absolutely will.

Alyssa

All Things Through The Lord my God. . .

Recently things have been very difficult. In fact there has been one aspect of my life that has been causing quite the turmoil in my daily routine. So much, that I hit a bottom point recently and found myself sitting outside the temple, crying.

I think we live in a world where we believe that The Lord will tell us what we need to do and when we need to do it. That would be nice. Other times, I think we start to believe that He does speak to us  and we are missing it or disagreeing with Him. That may be true, and sometimes it's really hard. For me I had an experience recently which has shaken my faith and yet has given me one of the most beautiful and calming reassurances that I have had in mortality.

I have been faced with a situation where I have needed to make a decision. Cut a piece of my life out that has been a solid foundation for me. It's not a sin, but it does cause my life to be out of balance. With this being said, it's been so hard to make a decision when all i've wanted was to stick with what I have. But, it felt wrong. I also found that when I did the opposite of what I wanted at times, my heart shattered.

Praying, Fasting, going to church, talking to my family, my bishop and friends, I got a lot of good input, a lot of good council. A lot of it, in my favor and what I wanted, but nothing that was long lasting. I kept telling myself it was fine, that these feelings and worries weren't from God, but how can I really know?

And then today happened. Everything was a big mess, I was confused, lost and angry. Hurt by the things that had played, and yet wanting so badly to do what God wants of me. Then I started to talk about the different things happening and I realized from a small thought I had had, "The Lord wants me to cut this out of my life, because He knows I can't create independence without cutting it out."

I had thought this often. It drove me and made me feel worse often times, even more convinced this was from God. Then tonight, I had this prior thought, followed by- Alyssa, Since when does your Heavenly Father tell you, you CAN'T? Since when does He tell you that you are incapable of overcoming a task and creating balance in your life? Since when is God all or nothing?

My heart lifted. Of course. My answer was here all along, not perfectly, that one flaw in my thinking. It took me back to everything I have learned growing up, everything I have believed and all of a sudden I remembered. All things are possible through The Lord, my God.

The peace I felt and the mercy I had realized, that had just been extended to me, made my heart have such joy and happiness. When I realized, that THROUGH The Lord I could keep the things that make me happy and yet overcome the flaws that fit in the situation.

While I still don't know all the answers or the desires of the Lord. I am filled with joy and my heart soars as I have now learned in my heart and remembered that through The Lord, and through my Savior. ALL things are possible.

Alyssa

Service

I do not often Post or Blog this close together. But today I have a topic that I feel needs to be addressed, especially for me. Service.

This week we are having a service activity, where the R.S will be prepping and serving dinner to the Men in our ward. The deeper into planning and executing, the more questions have come up. One of these questions being- What is service? How does this pertain to service? Why?

So I started to do some research on the topic. There are a few different views and meanings of service-

There is Service that which is done to upkeep. Such as servicing a vehicle.

There is Service that which is done by a person within the Military, Having the occupation of serving.

There is Service wherein providing a product, doing something such as a restaurant a food service, or a repair service- fixing and repairing.

Then there is the service which I am specifically referring too. The exact definition upon google being- " The Action of Helping or doing work for someone." Synonyms that are listed, come such as- favor, good turn, kindness, assistance, help, aid, etc.

If we take all 4 types of "Service" We can clearly see that they all meet with the same goal. Doing something for someone else. When we service a car- it is to keep the car running so the person using it can continue to use it. When someone serves in the Military or anytime of special forces- they are serving for their country, their state, their city, their home, their family and their friends. When there is a service offered- a restaurant, serving their customers, a repair shop- fixing something broken for someone who needs it.

All of these equal- helping or doing work for someone. What was the focus in all of these scenarios?
-Person in need of a repair, The person in need of defending and security, the person in need of kindness, the person in need of adequate and functioning items.-

We can see the focus of service is on a person or people. Service is a focus on doing something for someone else. Service is not about me. I primarily find service to be something you don't have to do. Sometimes you need to. But often I find it to be something that needs to be done, that you don't have to do.

The Savior He gave His life for me. For you and for everyone. This was essential for our salvation. It was something that needed to be done. But it was not something that He HAD to do. He did it because He loves us.

In the Gospel Service is rendered in many ways- In a talk I was going through, Elder Steven E. Snow said this- "Service is to be given unselfishly, we give it when needed not when convenient, We need to and have an obligation to serve in callings, and then we need to serve in communities" - "Service requires unselfishness, sharing and giving."

Aren't these all things our Savior did? Is that not what service is?

To me- Service is not just helping someone- it's EVERYTHING. It's looking at someone else besides ourselves. Putting their needs above our own. It's taking time to think about those around us.

So when i look at our activity this week, What is service? It's a matter of taking time to think about and do something for someone else. How does this pertain to service? When the sisters prepare dinner and set up a place for fun and take time to spend there, how is that not service? Focusing on someone else? The brethen, how is that not service? And finally Why? Well the best answer i can give to that is, Why not? Are we not ALL Children of God? Are we not ALL in need of mercy of our Savior? And have we not all got a moment to think about those around us, even if it is something small such as bringing a bowl of Salad so a young man can enjoy some?

Life is challenging. This I know. But Service is Crucial in our Salvation. So when you wonder what service is, or how something is service. I ask you to pray about it, find a way to serve another and look outside yourself. Do as the Savior would do.

Love one another. And Make your focus about them.

Alyssa

An Inner Race. . .

Today, I wanted to write, primarily because life feels clouded and it's confusing.

I started reading the Book of Mormon with a goal to get all the way through, I started last November and am working my way through Alma. Many people I feel as if, get through the scriptures much quicker. But thankfully, this is a race that is a personal. And my reading one chapter a day, everyday, is what I currently give myself.

I guess that is where I wanna take a second to talk about the inner race we are running. No one here can see what that race is. Everyone is different, and everyone has different pleasures, hobbies, likes and dislikes, ambitions and goals. So there is no need to judge.

I am finding that the more people i meet though, the more I seem to find myself being quick to judgement and quick to frustration. I get irritable with my best friend when she doesn't know the answer, I let myself feel annoyed and hurt when my sister or my mom is not available or give me what i want. . . I get angry with the person who cut me off or sped past me on the road, and even get shaky in my faith with the Lord, when He doesn't show Himself more visibly and I can't feel His presence. 

My judgement has been less than flattering I can say that much. And maybe also to those around me. But what is the biggest key factor and the biggest problem with judging, is we are unable to see the inner race people are running or the reasoning behind people.

I forget sometimes, that my Best friend is in an intense program- taking intense classes, and is still learning- how can I expect her to know what i want? When she is running her own race.

Sometimes i forget that my sister is intensely busy, and has her own life- she works and she is working on getting into a competitive grad program. I forget that my mom, works full time, runs sterling scholars, serves others, teaches gospel doctrine and has a husband, 3 daughters, a daughter who walked into our life, a son and a granddaughter- and tons of students - to help, teach and care for.

I don't know the story of the person on the road, but i do know that I am the same way, and I do the same things that bother me that they do. And I forget that I am not the only one late or trying to follow the law.

And I certianly do not know all the reasoning behind my Heavenly Fathers will for me. Someday. Not yet. But with that being said, I think the most important thing I forget about- that we ALL forget about- is the inner race WE run. When we look at what everyone else has on their plate, it is often easier to try to cut them slack and to acknowledge that they need some patience.

But with that being said, what about cutting ourselves some slack for the race we run?  I am not saying it justifies making excuses or being self centered and putting ourselves and our needs above others- that is not right. What I am saying though, is it is okay to have compassion with yourself and try to understand the inner race you run.

I often look at myself, and get frustrated because I talk too much, and I obsess too much and I am not dedicated to the gospel enough. I get mad at myself for not loving God more or serving those around me more. And that I've had plenty of time to improve myself- why aren't you trying harder Alyssa? Why aren't you cutting your family and friends more slack and being more patient with them? Why don't you feel closer to God and why don't you just X, Y and Z?

But that's also not right. When despite what I think about myself or how I think others look at me- I know, that i am certainly trying. When I look at how much I still want someone to always hold my hand, and how much I talk to my sister and how many days I still lack in faith, I know that I am just not quite there yet. But I am CLOSER. I am getting CLOSER.

I am moving forward. And even when it feels like i am absolutely drowning in failure, somewhere in me believes that my Heavenly Father and my Savior can see my efforts. Just like They can see my friends, my families, my coworkers efforts. Even when all seems lost and that you aren't moving forward, remember that everytime you get up and get on your knees The Lord sees it. And guess what?

He remembers that. He remembers You. He remembers Me.

He remembers us. And THAT is so amazing.

Alyssa

Faith. . .

The past couple of weeks have been burdening and yet absolutely enlightening for me. Life seems to play tricks on you that way, right when I think everything is going good, my check engine light comes on, I get really sick, my financial aid has been a big mess, I lost my apartments Mail Key and then I think the worst part of it all, was I spent the majority of it complaining to my family and friends. 
It was the end of this past week, when I was absolutely just sick of everything. I stopped reading scriptures for a few days and was just in a rut and freaking out. That was when I pulled out my scriptures again- Despite my hesitancy- and continued where I had left off. While there was no deep answer inside the scriptures I was reading, I was overcome with peace and was able to fall asleep.

The following day, I was yet again reminded about my Father in Heaven's love for me. When everything that was going wrong and all my worries that were running rampant, were put to ease yet again. And I was put back into my thoughts as I realized. While I may not have had what i always wanted, I have always had what I've needed.

When our mailbox key reappeared, I was able to get into the doctors, my car was fixed and my financial aid was finally getting sorted out, I was getting answers and I knew, God had yet again taken care of me. A thought that i had, yet again let myself ignore.

Life is so crazy and it's in so many ways, absolutely terrible and yet I cannot help but feel that all I am and all I have and all I deal with, is apart of something so much greater than myself. These moments where things are so hard and frustrating, they create a sense of humility and submissiveness.

For me, it yet again reminded me of my Saviors sacrifice for me and my Heavenly Fathers love, I was reminded how important it is to read scriptures and to not let my frustrations get in the way of my day. It also showed me that despite my efforts not to be, I have let my trials become an excuse to be self-centered, negative and mean. Which all of these things I am so grateful for, because it's another chance to recommit and try again.

I hope everyone is doing well. And if you are not and you are facing your own inner trials and humbling experiences, I pray that you find strength in our Father in Heavens promises. I recommend reading the Book of Mormon and if those are not things that suit you, I pray that you find those things which bring you peace, happiness and strength.

Never forget all that you have. Never forget what the Lord has given you. For after all- He gave us His Son. Who at the end of the day- if you were the ONLY person to hurt, sin or struggle. . He STILL Would have done all He's done.

After all, when all seems lost. . . . There are still Two who love us perfectly. How cool is that?

Alyssa