An Inner Race. . .

Today, I wanted to write, primarily because life feels clouded and it's confusing.

I started reading the Book of Mormon with a goal to get all the way through, I started last November and am working my way through Alma. Many people I feel as if, get through the scriptures much quicker. But thankfully, this is a race that is a personal. And my reading one chapter a day, everyday, is what I currently give myself.

I guess that is where I wanna take a second to talk about the inner race we are running. No one here can see what that race is. Everyone is different, and everyone has different pleasures, hobbies, likes and dislikes, ambitions and goals. So there is no need to judge.

I am finding that the more people i meet though, the more I seem to find myself being quick to judgement and quick to frustration. I get irritable with my best friend when she doesn't know the answer, I let myself feel annoyed and hurt when my sister or my mom is not available or give me what i want. . . I get angry with the person who cut me off or sped past me on the road, and even get shaky in my faith with the Lord, when He doesn't show Himself more visibly and I can't feel His presence. 

My judgement has been less than flattering I can say that much. And maybe also to those around me. But what is the biggest key factor and the biggest problem with judging, is we are unable to see the inner race people are running or the reasoning behind people.

I forget sometimes, that my Best friend is in an intense program- taking intense classes, and is still learning- how can I expect her to know what i want? When she is running her own race.

Sometimes i forget that my sister is intensely busy, and has her own life- she works and she is working on getting into a competitive grad program. I forget that my mom, works full time, runs sterling scholars, serves others, teaches gospel doctrine and has a husband, 3 daughters, a daughter who walked into our life, a son and a granddaughter- and tons of students - to help, teach and care for.

I don't know the story of the person on the road, but i do know that I am the same way, and I do the same things that bother me that they do. And I forget that I am not the only one late or trying to follow the law.

And I certianly do not know all the reasoning behind my Heavenly Fathers will for me. Someday. Not yet. But with that being said, I think the most important thing I forget about- that we ALL forget about- is the inner race WE run. When we look at what everyone else has on their plate, it is often easier to try to cut them slack and to acknowledge that they need some patience.

But with that being said, what about cutting ourselves some slack for the race we run?  I am not saying it justifies making excuses or being self centered and putting ourselves and our needs above others- that is not right. What I am saying though, is it is okay to have compassion with yourself and try to understand the inner race you run.

I often look at myself, and get frustrated because I talk too much, and I obsess too much and I am not dedicated to the gospel enough. I get mad at myself for not loving God more or serving those around me more. And that I've had plenty of time to improve myself- why aren't you trying harder Alyssa? Why aren't you cutting your family and friends more slack and being more patient with them? Why don't you feel closer to God and why don't you just X, Y and Z?

But that's also not right. When despite what I think about myself or how I think others look at me- I know, that i am certainly trying. When I look at how much I still want someone to always hold my hand, and how much I talk to my sister and how many days I still lack in faith, I know that I am just not quite there yet. But I am CLOSER. I am getting CLOSER.

I am moving forward. And even when it feels like i am absolutely drowning in failure, somewhere in me believes that my Heavenly Father and my Savior can see my efforts. Just like They can see my friends, my families, my coworkers efforts. Even when all seems lost and that you aren't moving forward, remember that everytime you get up and get on your knees The Lord sees it. And guess what?

He remembers that. He remembers You. He remembers Me.

He remembers us. And THAT is so amazing.

Alyssa