O...OCD!

Today I wanted to write about a subject that is a little closer to me and a bit misunderstood by most people. There is a lot of talk about different types of Mental Illness and I feel as if there is a stigma- in fact i know there is a stigma about it. I just wanted to take the time to clear up any confusion people may have about me and Mental Illness and share my thoughts on the matter.

We see a lot of things in the news quite often actually- about people who are crazy, psychotic, depressed, anxious, drug dependent, emotionally unstable, bipolar, etc. The list goes on and on. I feel like the world has really portrayed disorders as being something that can "Go away." Or something that makes them "Crazy." I just want to make it clear that both those statements are false.

I have heard a lot of people talk about what they think Mental Illness is. And what they Think about people who have them. I want to state that it is hurtful and disrespectful to the people who DO have a type of mental disorder.

For myself, many people in the past and even now maybe, have looked and gone- Oh Alyssa is paranoid, Alyssa is Psychotic, Alyssa is X,Y and Z. Well I want to make it clear that i am not. What i have is Called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And i want to share quite quickly just a bit of information on it that i feel people are misunderstanding.

OCD is NOT a joke. Let me explain that again- It is NOT funny, It is NOT okay to say you are a little OCD, or a little X,Y and Z. You can't be a little OCD. You either are. Or you are Not. OCD is Exceptionally Painful. And many people I have seen in life, make a joke about it. People think you can just STOP it. Let me tell you, OCD is not just STOPPED.

It's really not. OCD takes a lot of energy and a lot of medication combinations, Exposure Response Therapy, and Different types of Therapy to Manage. And it is super not okay to say to someone with OCD- I know you can't stop, but stop! Or you are paranoid! Or Seriously? You don't have that, you aren't X,Y and Z, so stop worrying about it. Even on occasion- "Do you Pray? Are you going to church?"- Uhm, God didn't tell us, that if we did those things we would be completely fixed. Mortality isn't like that- And To be honest, if it was that freaking easy, Everyone would just stop.

I have seen and talked with people with OCD. And I have seen how debilitating it is. For myself, it is extremelly painful and extremelly frustrating. I don't get to do the things i want too half the time or see my loved ones because of my worries.

Along with OCD I Have Anxiety and have battled depression. Both of which are things that I am constantly Fighting. Don't get me wrong, Some people really do understand. From a religious side- Our Savior Jesus Christ, Understands perfectly. There are people in my life, who may not fully but they certainly try. Many people struggle with Mental Illness'. I just want people to try to understand- that it's not easy- and all you can hope and pray for is strength and the ability to get better.

In fact, many people would rather deal with any other form of Disease or Defect rather than a Psychological One.

I appreciate everyone who has supported me and to those of you who live with someone or know someone who struggles and you are trying to help them- Kudos to you. There are struggles on both sides of the spectrum.

I just think, we need to try to be a little more compassionate towards those around us.

Thanks

Alyssa

You Save me. . .

"There can be miracles, when you believe. Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve- when you believe, somehow you will, you will when you believe."- Mariah Carey

Can I just say how grateful I am for the people in my life? There is an amazing thing about Gods plan- the way he knows exactly what you need. . and lots of times who you need. - I can't be on my knees long enough or give enough to thank God and the people in my life for helping me move forward from a lowely, dark place into a clear abyss.

4 years ago, I was so lost in darkness. I was confused about who I was, what I was doing and who actually cared. And when I hit what i thought would be the end of my life- I was in such a deep, dark, despairing pit. With no real concern about my family or friends- people who I thought really didn't care about me. Turns out-part of being human, is understanding that you can be wrong and being okay with that.

Today-tomorrow. I just really want to say Thank you to everyone who has helped me reach such a good place. From the people who stepped in and kept me from making an eternity altering decision, My family who dealt with so  much grief and pain but never left, all the moms, dads, brothers and sisters I have been blessed to gain, the roommates who have had patience, the families who i've had the opportunity to live with and learn from, the Bishops, Counselors, little Tender Mercies from My Savior and my Father in Heaven.

I am so far from where I want to be. But looking back where I was 4 years ago. Such a short time ago- i have found a simple truth- The worst mistake you can possibly make is Giving up.

I thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior for delivering me from such a dark place. And sending me angels to protect me and guide me. My amazing parents, my beautiful sisters- All 4 of them, My baby Brother, my Extended Family, my Best Friends over the years, my roommates and ward members and again- so so many more.

Every little piece of something somebody did has helped me to grow and reach the point where I could reflect back on a time that was so dark and despairing and turn it into something amazing and so uplifting.

I am so blessed to be alive and thriving in the things I enjoy, to be here and seeing the people I love.

And I just wanted to say Thanks. Thanks to everyone who has helped me see something bigger than myself and be able to love, grow and be happy with who I am and where I'm at.

That is truly miraculous.

Alyssa 

My Savior and Redeemer.

Recently, I had a sort of "Break in my Heart and Spirit." Type Moment.

I had realized my Focus hasn't been on the Lord, I haven't trusted and held the steady faith in the Lord that I should have. I haven't taken the importance to heart, but I knew inside that I needed and need to make a change because after all, my goal is "Eternal Life." And therein, I decided the next big thing in my life needs to be my Submission to the Will of the Lord. With that being said, I had a few things in my studies come out that helped me feel more certain of my decisions.

The first thing that I had a realization is, is who is my Father in Heaven? I was listening to the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack. Primarily because i love the music and the messages in the songs are beautiful. But I also feel peaceful in many ways.

Something that crossed my mind was, The Slaves in the Egypt Endured much. We learn this in the Bible. And something that I thought about was, how much pain they went through to survive. Then the faith and trust Moses had to have in God to be able to carry out His will. I thought to myself then, Oh my goodness. The God that Freed the Hebrews is the same God that blesses me and frees me from my own trial and tribulation.

The 2nd thing that crossed my mind was, the Lords promises and His ability to free us. The ability we have to use the Atonement that because of the Sacrifice of His Son, Our Beloved Savior and Redeemer, we are able to be free. 

The song in the movie Prince of Egypt- Deliver us. The Chorus really hit me hard,
"Deliver us
Hear our call
Deliver us
Lord of all
Remember us, here in this burning sand
Deliver us
There's a land you promised us
Deliver us to the promised land."

And I thought at the time, the Hebrews in many ways (Maybe not this exact song, but certainly the pain and suffering they faced.) They cried out, they pleaded with the Lord of a promise they knew was coming. They begged Him to Remember Them. Isn't that what we want? To know He remembers us? They put so much faith in prayers that they might be released from bondage and I thought isn't this how it is now?

It is the same principle of what He Gave us. He Sent us His Son Jesus Christ, so we could then be saved. Because of His Tribulation, Trial and Faith we can be saved.

Is the Atonement not a promise? Has he not promised us, he will "Deliver us from bondage" If we endure? Has He not given us a Promised Land? That we will then come too if we hold strong and believe in Him and let him take care of us?

Our Father whom helped Moses, helped Nephi, Mosiah, Joseph Smith and so many more, including each and every one of us.

He has this plan. And it wasn't until started to deeper look and think, and listen that i realized, it is the same God who helped then, who is helping now and will forever be our rock and stone. All he asks is we Follow His Son and keep His commandments.

And that was where I started to feel so blessed and more inclined to hold on and endure, despite the trials that I face.

He knows we are here. Just as He knew of all the Slaves in Egypt, of the struggles of the Lamanites, the Nephites, the Good and the Evil. He knows each and every one of us. And despite my imprefections, I hope to learn more and build my faith as time goes on, that way eventually I can be an instrument in His hands. 

Alyssa 

It gets better. . . .

Yesterday,

I had stopped off at my Mechanic, and I had a brief conversation about how much I worry about my car. I worry about everything, if you talk to me often, then you have heard me talk about my car and how it stresses me out.

I have mentioned to people on occasion, about my OCD and the patterns and disruption it causes in my life and how frustrating it is to be living with something that causes such endless distress and worry all the time. Well with this particular conversation with my Mechanic, It just ended up in me feeling pretty awful for how much I call and how off I've been on getting the small things done by them in return.

I spent a good time last night, wallowing, I fell asleep fairly early and slept for a long time and then I got up this morning went to work and now I'm sitting at my mechanic getting my lights fixed. There is a lot of shame being here now even with a reason but with that, it brings up a desire for something more and something better.

I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I hit a point, where I honestly stopped enjoying most everything that gave me anxiety, some things I just didn't even enjoy. Driving a car, being close to someone, serving someone, working, praying, spending time with my family. And I sat here and some days I sit here and think to myself I hate this. I am not enjoying living my life. I don't enjoy just sitting being happy and all I see is how many people have everything else, how many people don't have these trials, how many people don't have to deal with this. . .

And a song comes to mind by Montgomery Gentry. Lucky Man,.

I have days where I hate my job
This little town and the whole world too
Last Sunday when the Bengals lost
It put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the sun's too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I've got

But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and a piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can
My old trucks still running good
My ticker's ticking like they say it should
I got supper in the oven, a good woman's loving
And one more day to be my little kid's dad
Lord, knows I'm a lucky man.

Sometimes when we get so focused on our trials and how to fix them, we forget about all the beautiful things around us. We forget how to help another, how to be a friend, how to relax, how to be "Okay." We forget the blessings we have and forget about why we are here and what our goal is.
I have been super guilty of that and still am super guilty of it.

I haven't lived much life, but I have learned enough to know that what I'm doing isn't right and it's time to keep on going and keep on trucking. We (myself included) just need to remember to count our many blessings and keep moving forward in this life, which is a hopeful idea and a goal that I have for myself and hope that everyone else can fight to do as well.

Alyssa 

A Blessing in Disguise. . . .

Lately, life has given me more than I have bargained for. This past Friday my car broke down, our fridge and freezer broke and we had troubles with our internet modems, so- you guessed it- no internet. I finally, I think, hit a breaking point and was super done with everything so when Sunday finally came and I was sick and in pain yet again, I was just absolutely finished.

Despite the irritation and illness, my Visiting Teachers came over and I just kind of had my little moment and break down to them. I hit a wall this past week and then it's where I saw the Miricles of my Father in Heaven come unraveled. Starting with those wonderful ladies, who truly helped me feel good and as they prayed with me, I started to have some clarity which I think led me into a big crossroad in my life.

This morning, my dad came and picked me up for work because of the lack of having a car,

I had a discussion with him about school this fall, and what I'm going to do. What do I do about a car, I am moving to a place that he doesn't know much about and moving to a place that is expensive and having no job lined up, I have been in the lightest of words, fatigued, unsure and stressed to have the experience .Despite those things I told my dad that I am in a contract for the fall and I am sticking with my plans. These have been my plans for months now and I am not changing them and I can't see how I could.

That's when I had an impression, a self revelation and the Spirit really got to me. The thoughts of things I could do to change my situation started to come and I had the most amazing change of heart and desire for my plans. And though it hasn't even been 24 hours, I knew without a doubt that I needed to stay where I am. Within hours of this realization I had my Job at Mapleton Elementary relined up for this fall, my Fall Contract easily and hassle free canceled, a car thought from my mechanic to get me running and the most amazing peace of mind that I can't even explain.

Some might think, are you sure you aren't just jumping into this? Maybe so, but with how quickly things changed in my heart, I had ended up making a decision and then I had a discussion with my mother following, and that is where I told her that I would not be moving. That is when she told me, "Alyssa, that is weird you would make that decision, because I told your Father this morning I felt that you shouldn't go to Weber." Wow. It brings me to a scripture in Doctrine and Covenents 6. It talks about Witnesses and today, I had a witness  and in line with it, my mom had received the same witness. And what better witness could you have then from God? 

I find this as a blessing and though maybe I will not be doing what I thought. And that is hard, but I know without a doubt that this impression came from my Father in Heaven and I am so excited to follow and see what he has in store with me.

As for now, I will be staying in Provo, attending UVU and will continue working as the Head Sweeper for Mapleton Elementary for this upcoming school year. I am beyond excited and can't thank my Father in Heaven enough for this guidance. For leading me to this impression and then making it fall into place so simply.

I have never felt more certain that I am where the Lord needs me to be and while I may not know why and it has changed MY Plans, I am optimistic that I am where the Lord needs me and that my life will follow the plan that he has in store and for that, despite the ambiguity, I cannot wait to see what is in store and where He will take me too next.

After all, without the hand of the Lord, where would I be?

Alyssa

The Keeper of my Soul. . . .

Recently, I have been sick a couple times, struggled with work and in my interactions with people. I realized my prayers haven't been as strong as maybe I would like them to be and maybe my Faith isn't as strong as I wish it was. Almost to the point where I have again started to rely on my strength and pushing aside my Father in Heaven and Savior, then I had an experience that kind of stopped me and what I was dealing with and thinking about.

I am an imperfect person, everyone who knows me knows this. I realized, I opened my mouth and have you ever had an experience where you said something and then you realized that you probably shouldn't have said that? Well that is pretty much what happened. And all I could think about is, why did I say that, why would I do that. The thought I believe, crossed my mind to rely on the Savior with my frustration and pain, but I literally went, he wouldn't do that. He would never say something like that, not something, that would make him hurt and be frustrated and have other people look at him like what is wrong with you. He wouldn't do that.

Literally that second I had a thought that came to my mind that stopped me. The thought came quietly like this. Uhm. . .Alyssa. The Savior told people he was the Son of God and he was persecuted for it. I almost took an instant shame in myself, but relief at the same time, and I realized and remembered in that moment, I am really wrong. When we are told that the Savior knows us and has felt everything we have felt, betrayal, regret, frustration, pain, hurt, sorrow. He knows to the T what is going on.

Maybe it doesn't sound the same, maybe in some respects it's not the same. But all in all, the situation is the same. The Savior atoned for me, he bled and died so I could feel the peace of mind that everything would work out. He gave me the opportunity to have the spirit at times, so I could remember what he did for me. And with Easter coming up soon, what a better time to recommit ourselves and remember the blessings which we were given?

He Truly- as in a song I heard by the Nashville Tribute Band- walked a Mile in my shoes. In the shoes of my friends, of my parents, of my siblings and in those lives of people who struggle on a daily basis. Everyone who has lived, lives and will live. He knows them, he knows their trials, he spent time on his knees for all of them and for each of us.

That is why my Savior despite my weak feeling faith and lack of belief in all things possible, is the Keeper of my Soul.

Alyssa 

Big and Small, Old and Young. Friends . . .

I had a conversation with my mom recently about having friends. I have a friend who is 20 years older than me. I am good friends with someone who is also 7 years younger than me. I feel like there is this stigma that we have to date someone older than us if we are women and younger than us if we are men. That our friends or our peers are classified as people who are in our age group.

Up until I started working with this friend of mine, I didn't even realize how broad friendships are. My mom told me, you can't judge someone that way, that friends come in so many different ways. Hence the Genius of our Father in Heaven. I feel bad in many ways that I had shut my mind to being friends with people are a lot older or younger than me, but as I have gotten older I have found that this diverse range we have the opportunity to experience is special.

Friends aren't only based on age, we talk about a few other places- Size, Gender, Religion, Age. These are all things I think people use to determine who they become friends with. With this thought in mind, I kind of looks at how my friends are in my life.

My Best Friend is literally a foot shorter than me, younger than me, but is probably far more dedicated to her goals than I ever will be.
A Very Good Friend who is like a sister to me is 2 Years older than me and 9 Inches Shorter than me and lives states away from me. 
One of my favorite people on earth is 20+ Older than me- Who I literally text and laugh with constantly and enjoy her company.
A Couple of Good Guy Friends I have are Shorter than me and sometimes their humor is a little out there, but I consider them to be a couple of my best guy friends!
I am good friends with a kid who is 7 Years younger than me and I enjoy having game nights with him and his family.
I have friends I go to for advice who are younger than me and I have gone on dates with men who aren't as tall as me, I am not perfect. That's for sure, but I have found that this Diversity of People in my life. Is a blessing. 

Friendship is a funny thing. I have friends from so many different places in life. Friends with people who have children and friends with people are in many ways children. I have friends who are single, friends who are dating someone or married. I have friends who are gay, friends with mental illness' and friends who just struggle. I have had friends who are not religious and I have had friends who are absolutely dedicated to the Gospel.  I know and have friends who drink and do drugs and have friends who won't even talk about those subjects.

The point is, the diversity in my life has helped me to grow. For me, knowing who I am and knowing where I am going helps me keep in line so I can be a positive influence and not take in negative influences. I am proud of the people I call friends. And am blessed for those who consider me to be.

While it is a strange situation to some people. It is my life and I consider myself to be absolutely blessed because of it. I have learned that a friend is not a specific classification, or someone of a certain age or gender or religion. A friend to me is someone I enjoy my time with and who I love and care about, because at the end of the day.

That's where my blessings of people have come from. The Diversity.

Alyssa

And Her Strength. . . .

Recently, I have had the opportunity to do a variety of things. I have gotten to go spend some time with my best friend in Ephraim and catch up with some old friends. I got to talk to a sister of mine on the phone for the first time in months, I got the blessing of receiving a niece who I love more than life itself. I have gotten many opportunities in school to pursue  my education and opportunities to get out and to know people, just in general and to hopefully make a difference in someones life.

Now, I can't say for sure whether or not i have actively affected someones life, but I can tell you about someone who has affected mine. I believe in all my heart and soul that we (in my religious and personal beliefs.) Were sent to Earth to Help each other. I have let myself be more than willing to absorb the rescources of other people, but sometimes I lack the ability to, show others that I appreciate them. I believe that, before I came to earth, I knew I would face Trials, but God told me that if I held strong, everything would be okay. He would send me angels to help me get from place to place.

I have been blessed to have many Angels, but I have been rather ungrateful.I have let myself be fairly pessimistic and moreso than that, I have had my close friends telling me, to focus on the positive and I was and have been super unwilling too and I find myself doing that a lot, where I, face a trial and let myself be pitiful and I let myself believe I deserve to be pitiful and get sympathy. Which is CRAP. Now, in a conversation with someone recently, she was telling me some of her trials. Now, this specific individual, I have not  always shared the same love and compassion, and care for her that others in my life do or have.

I met her a couple of years ago, through some mutual people in my life. I don't know all the details of her life, but I will say this, when it comes to trials, she knows first hand, the pain and sacrifice it takes to keep going.  A couple of years ago, she was facing life the best she could, when her closest friends committed suicide. In the same month. Before her trials being faced with drugs, alcohol and in a way almost neglective support, her parents divorced at young age and she has had to hold herself up.

After her friends Passed away, she attempted suicide on her own term of decision making. Later, she spent time in the hospital and battled the day to day life of living with her choices and the choices of those around her. She has had to make her own way and her own standing in situations that most people have others in their lives to supply for. Recently, the same support system who hadn't provided well, got even deeper when her Father Passed away. She faced a lot of pain and today, she still faces that same pain. Those same frustrations and the same Trials that most people, may never have to endure or bare.

I want to tell you something about this person. She is phenomenal. I have never seen a stronger person walk this earth who - in I know personally. I spend so much time wallowing in my sorrow of having to pay for a ripped textbook or my parents not giving what I want. And she stands and smiles. I see her laugh and I see her brush things off like it's no big deal. Sure she has cried and sure she has hurt, but she doesn't stop. She fights, she works, when something bad happens, she takes it, and she goes. "Okay, time to keep going."Everything she has, she worked for, Everything she knows, she learned on her own. She is amazing.

Despite the person she is, I had never really wanted to see this person for the beauty she is. In fact I spent a lot of time, complaining how anytime something bad happens to me, she one ups it with a harder trial. And I think in a way many of us will do this. Shame on us, Shame on me. When we have these angels in our lives who walk in and BLESS US. This girl. . this Woman. . This Angel. Came into my life and absolutely changed it. She changed the dynamics of how I judge, how I love and how I accept. To see another person so beautifully. . . is a challenge. . . But if you look you will see them. She is the light of many people, and as far as I am concerned.

She is an angel walking the earth- Blessing those around her and for me. . .most importantly. . Blessing me and I can only pray that i become half the person she is someday. Because that would be a gift only God could give me.

Alyssa

A New Chapter and who I am is. . . .

It's been a bit since I posted last, but this is big post for me. I spent the past almost 5 Months Living with a Wonderful Family and getting to see a new light in their home. It's been interesting to live from place to place to see, oh hey- guess what? Life really is, what it is and every thing I do now is actually posing an important part in my future. I have been blessed to have the experiences I have had and with all those changes comes a lot of learning. Learning that I can only pray that the Lord and I are in Tune and I can be ready to accept the teachings he has planned for me. I am indefinitely blessed.

Now Something really has been on my mind lately and I want to clarify my thoughts on the matter.-  I have had a lot of changes in my life. Yes, and with that I had some thoughts as to what i've learned. I've had a lot of people tell me to change little things to impress the new people coming into my life, the people in my future who I haven't met yet. Well here is the reality and my answer to people who tell me the things I should do different. No.

I know what you are thinking. No? Yes, No. Let me put it this way. This is my life, I am here to learn the way I will learn. And while I do appreciate suggestions, when I say thank you, or I would rather not. It is at that point people should drop it. In my opinion. I know  I am not Grade A- Top Notch- Most Skinny, Beautiful Woman, with the perfect job and a "Hug me- I'm sweet and a woman attitude." (Not saying that's bad)

Let's be honest. I am a Custodian Assistant, a Handi Woman if you may, A Sweeper. I love that. I love that about myself, that I can do the things that mainly would be left for maybe a man, it just means I am flexible.

When it comes to my looks, I can be beautiful, in fact not Can, I am indeed. Somedays more than others of course. But Let us be honest, If you know me, than you know, that I have never been this super petite, quiet, pretty girl- That Society Maybe Thinks I should be.

Today  I had a conversation with my Best Friend and told her that I felt like I couldn't live up to be the ideal woman society believes I should be. And she told me, in a nutshell to be myself and do the things that make me feel comfortable, yet good about myself. I have felt beyond nervous with trying to impress people in my life especially at my age where the pressure is on for Careers, Schooling, Living, Relationships. It's a lot of pressure.

But for me, I will say this. I am who I am and that's all that I am. I am not petite, I have some weight. I am not the most beautiful, but I am proud of the way I can make myself look. I do not have a subtle, quiet, cute humor and personality. I am Loud. If you know me, you know that is the first thing you learn about me. I am sarcastic, I am a hard worker and I am STILL  a Daughter of God. There is a time and a place for things to change and as I get older the more I am learning and wanting to change things. But I need to do it on my own and at my own pace.

And that's what I intend to do.

Thank you all for being so fabulous and supporting me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all and the love and friendships you all give me.

Alyssa