It gets better. . . .

Yesterday,

I had stopped off at my Mechanic, and I had a brief conversation about how much I worry about my car. I worry about everything, if you talk to me often, then you have heard me talk about my car and how it stresses me out.

I have mentioned to people on occasion, about my OCD and the patterns and disruption it causes in my life and how frustrating it is to be living with something that causes such endless distress and worry all the time. Well with this particular conversation with my Mechanic, It just ended up in me feeling pretty awful for how much I call and how off I've been on getting the small things done by them in return.

I spent a good time last night, wallowing, I fell asleep fairly early and slept for a long time and then I got up this morning went to work and now I'm sitting at my mechanic getting my lights fixed. There is a lot of shame being here now even with a reason but with that, it brings up a desire for something more and something better.

I don't want to live my life like this anymore. I hit a point, where I honestly stopped enjoying most everything that gave me anxiety, some things I just didn't even enjoy. Driving a car, being close to someone, serving someone, working, praying, spending time with my family. And I sat here and some days I sit here and think to myself I hate this. I am not enjoying living my life. I don't enjoy just sitting being happy and all I see is how many people have everything else, how many people don't have these trials, how many people don't have to deal with this. . .

And a song comes to mind by Montgomery Gentry. Lucky Man,.

I have days where I hate my job
This little town and the whole world too
Last Sunday when the Bengals lost
It put me in a bad mood

I have moments when I curse the rain
Then complain when the sun's too hot
I look around at what everyone has
And I forget about all I've got

But I know I'm a lucky man
God's given me a pretty fair hand
Got a house and a piece of land
A few dollars in a coffee can
My old trucks still running good
My ticker's ticking like they say it should
I got supper in the oven, a good woman's loving
And one more day to be my little kid's dad
Lord, knows I'm a lucky man.

Sometimes when we get so focused on our trials and how to fix them, we forget about all the beautiful things around us. We forget how to help another, how to be a friend, how to relax, how to be "Okay." We forget the blessings we have and forget about why we are here and what our goal is.
I have been super guilty of that and still am super guilty of it.

I haven't lived much life, but I have learned enough to know that what I'm doing isn't right and it's time to keep on going and keep on trucking. We (myself included) just need to remember to count our many blessings and keep moving forward in this life, which is a hopeful idea and a goal that I have for myself and hope that everyone else can fight to do as well.

Alyssa